4AM, and not the Matchbox 20 kind

listening to: Mugison, little things (i think that's what it's called, I left the case upstairs)

You know... I wonder sometimes about my life. I'm 26 and I live with my parents for no real good reason other than it's free and I spend money on useless shit. I'm overweight (although people argue with me on it) and I'm a music snob. I have a good job that I enjoy even though I am doing stuff that was never asked of me and not really getting rewarded for it. to be fair, I don't do some of the stuff I'm supposed to be doing :-P but still I'm empty.

I played a show a while back.. and it gave me life. it gave me hope. people acctualy liked what I was playing. which I couldn't understand. then again.. I like the smashing pumpkins and some people hold that over me. now, it's obvious to me that I have to keep playing shows.. but yet I put it off. I look at my guitars as if they are some strange key to a room that I don't want to enter but I know I have to...

it's about risk I guess. not ready to take it.

as I sit here at 4 in the morning when I should be sleeping (stupid cat keeps snoring) I wonder... well, that's it. I wonder. i think and think about nothing at all. no focus. maybe I have ADD, or maybe I'm to smart for my own good (ha).

most importantly. in a long long time, life has seemed bleak and pointless. recently... I've felt hope. maybe I hit rock bottom and the only way left to go is up.

good thing really. it smelled pretty funky at rock bottom.

where things stand

listening to: Brand of Skin - the folk implosion

a collection of random thoughts...

was at chapter's and my ex's boyfriend showed up. I didn't see him, but I was informed by someone else. My imediate thought was to find him and club him with a huge book. then I wondered why I was so upset. as much as I loved so many things about her, he's now stuck with all the things I hated. I chuckled to my self and walked away.

was at a funeral last week. don't worry about it. not a big deal as far as emotional investment goes. However, I had a funny thought while sitting there. I was listening to the pastor try to lead us in prayer... about the lady who passed away. He spoke in vague terms the entire way. he sounded like a bad fortune teller who had no idea who the person was. apperently he did. no matter. then, we began to do the whole hymm thing. and the pastor COULD NOT sing. I thought that was a prerequisit of some sort. anyway, there is about 20 people there trying to sing along with the tone deaf pastor, but none of us could seem to find our footing. It reminded me of junior high dances where the boys and girls would stand on opposite sides of the room. and then when some boy got the nerve to speak to one of the girls they would go and dance. but it would be choppy and they would fumble around each other. they would stay at arms lenght from each other at all times. now, hopefull you can understand that in the moment I thought this was kinda funny. so I began to giggle to myself... a word to the wise, don't laugh at a funeral.

how am I to cope, when we've all run out of hope, and love goes unrewarded?

how do you deal with co-workers that do nothing but piss you off. I'm also certain that she has a crush on me. ON TOP of that. she is a hypocrite.... that word sounds so 18 years old. as I was saying.. she complains that people chat around her when she's trying to work... then, when I'm trying to work she comes and chats in my space! WTF... I know it's petty, but she's driving me up the wall. I don't want to make waves.. but that's aginst my personality. I want to plant a bag of coke in her drawer at work... and then hint that she's filling her nose on breaks. maybe plant a space heater near her cubicle so that she sweats.. drop a caffeen pill n her tea... ... yeah... cause that's in my personality...

last thing... I have decided that I'm going to do a show. it's going to be at least 45 minuites and it's going to be mostly new. all the songs will be covers, re-workings of old songs and one "clasic" anyone who's been around long enough knows what that is.

thank you for reading... this have been an auto generated message

many appologies for many things

listening to: Cicatriz ESP - the mars volta

I'm sorry.

firstly, I'm sorry to you, the person who acctualy reads this. it may or may not make sense, for that I say sorry because it's confusing. I am not, however, sorry for the content.

I'm sorry to Joel. we said we would keep these up to date.. well, you kicked my ass

I'm sorry to ashley, I can't control myself around you. I don't knwo why. it's a disaster. you make me week and feeble. you make me turn into the horrible human being that I never want to be.

I'm sorry to daytona who acctualy cared about what I had to write in here. that was the reason I started this. to see if anyone cared. when I saw someone that did... I ran. afraid that she might find some secret that I wanted to stay hidden.

I'm sorry to chris, for so many things. my procrastination, my inability to make you happy, my inability to to understand what you are going through. and my inability to stop holding you in my heart.

I'm sorry to Kaitlin. well, no so much sorry to kaitlin, sorry cause I can't do anything to help her.

I'm sorry to anyone I every tired to pretend I was more than I am to. you didn't deserve to be missled. thankfully I'm a terrible liar and noone acctualy fell for it.

I'm sorry to Steve. the depth of my respect for you compaired to puddle that is my self respect will never allow us to work together. at least, it will never allow me to fully open my ears and fingers.

I'm sorry for myslef. in case you couldn't tell. I'm sorry that I didn't have the courage to put my life out there for anyone to judge.

now, with all that taken care of... I'm giveing you my mind, my heart, my soul. and this time I'm doing it with no appologies. I'm going to continue to wallow. I'm going to continue to force myself to suffer... why? well, for some reason, praise and happiness terrify me. I feel like I don't deserve them. but I refuse to go numb. If I MUST feel, the I will feel with the throbing pulsating ulcer in my stomach. I will feel with the slowly decelerating pulse in my ears....

whimper and cry

listening to:nothing, cause it's late and i'm drunk

I was jsut at the wedding of one of my best frineds. and they are so in love with each other. I have forced myself to think that I don't not need that love anyomre. that I can love myself enough for my self...

apperently I was wrong.

I talked to chris and well.. what the fuck happened. I honestly don't know why I bother anymoer. everytime I talk to her, I feel so comfortable... but with the wedding... and the love that surrounded me all night... fuck, to be honest I was thinking of her all night and how she shoudl have been in the white dress and the toast's shoudl have been to me instead of me giving them... you know.

and then... when I call... like an old pair of pants that everyone tells you they have to go cause they don't fit. but you refuse. You try to squeze your body into them. make it fit. but they don't. and nomatter how far you run everyday you will never fit into them again. ever.

things change.

don they ever change back... I wonder

sorry if my spelling or grammer are off... I'm drunk.

what to do?

listening to: Little Furry things - Dinosaur Jr.

was "with" a friend last night. she said, quite possibly, the strages thing I have ever heard...

"I want to fuck you. Now get out of my house"

i didn't knwo which one to do. can you guess?

from the paper journal no. 1

listening to: Ocatavarium - Dream Theatre

As this is an electronic journal, I can not write in it at anytime. Nor, can I just spew forth everything I've ever thought. that's why I have kept a paper journal. from time to time, I will put up stuff that is from my paper journal. if it is dated (which it often isn't... I just forget) I will date it accordingly. here, is the first of my paper journals.

A gesture, a montion, emotion elementaly the same I suppose. Why am I alone? Have I created a wall which noone can see past? Are the memories so faded that it's not worth breaking me out? Question after question. No answers needed today thanks. I'll wait till they are on sale. No one's buying anyway. It's just a matter of time.
I angerd you in some way. I made you think I was... I don't know. I was holding on to a thread of a rope just to hold on to something. I'm not. I've let go. I'm falling and I love the wind in my face. I can't wait to hit the ground. I can't wait till I can feel the bones in my body snap like frail twigs. Like dried out branches. to feel all that I hate about myself continuing to deepen into the ground. Leaving me only with what I need. Alowing me to stand up and look above and see the path I took and know I will never take it again. then to look down and see the reminants of everytime I've stood here before.

welcome

listening to: last song - Jason Webley

Hello.

I a m assuming that if you are here I gave you the address myself. so there is no need for me to go on at length about anything in particular. However, a few people have asked me the question... steve, what's on your mind? or, what's eating you? I was once of the opinion that if someone asked they really wanted to know. I have found this to be untrue. Now, I have thoughts, and images taht float around in my head with no home other than my journal. I don't feel that that is where they belong. They belong to the world that created them.

What I'm getting at here is that this is their new public home. If you are here, you want to know. so I will give you me. naked and cold. If you don't like what you see then remeber the statement above. I'll repeat it... "They belong to the world that created them". therfore. logic dictates, that you help creat everything you read. blame yourself for once. stop passing the buck.

and thanks for comming, enjoy your stay